Farmer wants a spray tan…

Three kids and a sedated horse…
January 21, 2014
Adelaide, airports and a year in review
March 18, 2014

Wonders never cease, less than three weeks since my last post and here is another one…. at this rate I might even be able to start calling “Diary of a Farmer’s Husband” a Blog again.

The second of my harvest ‘Farm Funnies’ sees our au pair take centre stage even though this anecdote in one way or another was more phone than farm related. TNN (The Nordic Nanny) had a couple of days off during harvest to head up north with two of her au pair friends and while the timing wasn’t great we thought it important for her to see a bit of the state with her friends.

Wifey, Kissa (my father-in-law), Irish Gary (our then workman) and I were getting ready to shift paddocks when I got the first call from a number I didn’t recognise. Initially I didn’t give it much thought as it was the weekend so it was very unlikely to be work related.

By the time I had a field bin (somewhat) securely attached to one of the farm utes and had checked my phone I had four missed calls from the same number, now while I was little concerned the fact there was no message left made me think it probably wasn’t that urgent.

It was while negotiating a particularly rough stretch of unsealed road that the phone rang for the fifth time and while I did consider how greviously unhappy Kissa would be if I damaged a field bin while driving and talking on the phone I thought I had better answer it.

It was one of TNN’s friends on the line who said very quickly with a thick Belgian accent ‘You need to talk to Bec’, not a great sign I thought while simultaneously thinking ‘Oh shit, she’s been robbed or assaulted or maybe even both’. My fears were not allayed when a completely hysterical TNN got on the line sobbing uncontrollably.

Me: Beatrice (not her real name), are you ok? (another silly question asked by me over the phone as she quite obviously wasn’t)

TNN: “No I’m not ( sobbing), it’s so bad” (more sobbing)

Me:”It’s ok, just tell me what happened. Honestly it will be ok.”

TNN: “We went on a charter boat trip and I….”(serious sobbing, reminiscent of how much some girls cried when Leonardo Di Caprio died in the Titanic movie) “it’s so bad” (at this point I am envisaging me having to drive to Denham to confront some scoundrel of a deckhand who had taken liberties with TNN below deck)

Me: ‘Beatrice, you need to calm down, what happened on the boat?’

TNN: (less sobbing) “We were using our phones to take photos on the trip and my phone fell in the ocean..

Me: That’s it? Your ok otherwise?”

TNN: “Yes but that’s really bad”

Me: “Well, let’s just hope there’s a fish down there that knows how to use the App Store. Don’t let it wreck your weekend and take care”

Now in hindsight TNN was probably right in her assertion that losing a brand new iPhone 4S we had provided for her use was ‘really bad’ however at the time I was just really happy that:

1. She was ok and hadn’t been hurt/kidnapped

and

2. I had got the field bin undamaged to the right paddock without getting lost

By TNN’s own admission she can be a bit accident prone which is something that I should have endeavoured to find out before deciding not to insure aforementioned iPhone…..

Now we have all heard of ‘Farmer wants a wife’ and ‘Farmer wants a husband’ however I would very much doubt if you had ever heard of ‘Farmer wants a spray tan’ however nonetheless this was the somewhat surprising situation I found myself facing recently.

Now I love Wifey for a myriad of reasons with her ability to surprise me being near the top of the list. Even taking this into account I was gobsmacked when a few weeks ago I was confronted with a somewhat pouty woman who resembled my wife standing in front of the mirror in our bedroom staring at her feet.

Having made the decision to have a resort getaway for a few days away over the Australia Day weekend Wifey decided the “Farmers tan” she was sporting had to go as it had reached albino like proportions.

So bad had Wifey’s sock tan become that having had one too many frothies on a Friday night I woke in the early hours of Saturday morning still drunk and saw a ghostly white pair of feet padding across our bedroom floor.

As it turns out it the apparition I had seen was in fact Wifey wearing dark pyjamas which accentuated the whiteness of her size 11 ‘plates of meat’

It must be said the spray tan did look very good and from my point of view it was quite refreshing for Wifey to show some form of vanity even if it was just for a few days.

Time to sign off as the weather is good so the beach beckons. Kissa and I are nothing if not resilient as after no luck with the cray pots before Christmas we put them back in yesterday and it is my hope that in a few hours I will be munching on a cray sanga sipping a Corona.

Who ever said the life of a Farmer’s Husband was a tough one…..

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